Wow, it’s been awhile. 5 months? I guess I’ve just found myself unable to put thoughts into words and say anything even remotely worth saying. Not really sure why I am attempting it right now.
Since I’ve been in New Zealand (hard to believe I’m there already huh?) things have changed. I have gained so much independence (yet at the same time I still have so little), I think I’ve figured out a lot more about the types of things I WANT to do with my biology major. FINALLY! Although, I’ve said that before, huh? So we’ll see how long this one sticks. Who wants to place their bets? I give 3 months from when I get back from the states.
A lot more about ME has changed. Turns out, despite how much I hate it, I’m quite the little Hufflepuff and when it comes to having roommates, I’m very much the non-confrontational one. I would rather have peace than the group of us fighting. Strange huh? Often enough I like to think of myself as the person who WILL call out bull or at least throw a fit at the situation (Slytherin very much so there).
Actually, I have become quite the people pleaser. And it’s weird. Since getting here, I have cared more about what people think of me than I’ve cared of what I think of myself. And it’s starting to destroy me. I should NOT be fighting my depression here in New Zealand. Yet here I am, fighting it like I was back at home when I thought I had it because I was suffocated. Nope. Here, I am so afraid that people will think negative things about me or just not like me. I’m afraid of people judging me for the way I am. Basically, since I’ve gotten here, I’ve forgotten to be myself.
Not that I know who I am totally. Then again, do any of us? But, I know who I’m not. I am NOT a people pleaser. So should I really care what people think of me? Should I care that there are people out there who don’t like me? Who don’t understand me? It should come down to me. It should be entirely about me. I should be doing what I want to here. I should be happy with who I am, not with who other people want me to be.
I am a nerd. I love poetry. I love cinema. I’m not afraid to go to the cinema alone. I would rather spend my evening with a book than a group of people drinking. I love quotes because hell if I can ever say what I’m thinking but someone out there can ten hundred times better than I can. I am that person who will call you out for being a douche bag if you are. I’m not the type to let people step on me. So why am I?
I think I got too caught up in the hustle and bustle of being forced to be around so many people that I don’t know anymore that I thought I had to be friends with that I forgot that I can still choose my friends. I thought I had to make everyone happy, but just because I live near a hundred people doesn’t mean I have to buddy buddy with them. I can be acquaintances, or I could just be neighbors with others. I’ll make some friends, but only the ones I can be me around. Crazy, manic, nerdy me. This adventure is about me (how many times can I say that before it finally sinks in? we have to be at at least 3 dozen by now!)
I’m here. I’m me. Allons-y