I started this blog how many years ago to talk about this journey I've been on to find myself? But I haven’t been very loyal to writing, and by the time I think about what I am going to write, or have any desire to write anything at all, I realize I've forgotten my password, or I’m too lazy to open a word document, or some other lame excuse that keeps me from sharing my feelings with everyone else who may or may not know me and who may or may not judge me.
But let’s be honest here, ever since I started this blog, I've had a few readers here and there who I have never felt like for one second judged me based on my thoughts or beliefs, or especially my fears. Which is why I am sitting down tonight in an attempt to say everything that is on my mind and let this out of my system, because I can’t think of any other way to do it.
It the many many many months since I have written a word on this blog my entire world has changed. I have traveled to and from another country. I have lived on my own. And a lot of big changes have occurred in my life.
First of all, in May I filmed and uploaded this video to my youtube channel talking about my huge quarter life crisis I was going through. I haven’t found much relief from this yet, but here’s the video if you want to see what was going through my head back then: http://youtu.be/fdlbNpNt_eU
If you remember way back to when I first started this blog, I often complained about my job. I was working at a veterinary hospital and if it wasn't obvious that I was miserable, let me stop you here and tell you that for three years of my life, I spent every day I was at work debating if I should quit or not. I stuck it out. I put up with a very mean boss and allowed myself to be miserable, because despite how much I hated it most of the time, the people at that office were like family to me.
While I was away on my Study Abroad trip, something very serious happened that I don’t talk to a lot of people about: My boss committed suicide. I was, despite how much I didn’t like her at times, very upset by this. She had given me a chance to work somewhere I would have never been able to otherwise and although I spent a lot of time hating that job, she had taught me so much and I had learned a lot about myself in more ways than I could even try to explain.
I can’t decide if being away from home at the time made things better or worse. I was a mess for a few days (not to mention it was around finals time too). I was even more upset that I couldn’t be there to support people I considered my family at the time, not to mention I had no idea if I was going to have a job when I came back or not. It was not a good time in my life.
However, that being said, it did have one benefit. For a good year before this happened, I had decided that I no longer wanted to be a veterinarian. And although I had found a way to tell my parents and a few others, I had never had to heart to tell anyone at work. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or make them feel like they gave me the job and I was actually just wasting their space and money. When my boss died, I finally felt a sense of freedom, despite all the bad. I didn’t have to face her and disappoint her. I didn’t have to keep lying to myself that maybe I could convince myself that I could still be a vet even though I was 100% sure that wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore. It was relieving to not have to worry about that anymore.
I feel horrible saying something good could come out of someone’s death. But despite how much I miss my boss as a vet, and despite all that she taught me, and all that I’ve come to realize from working there, I finally felt like I was ready to do what I wanted to do and wasn’t going to be disappointing anyone. I could finally be honest. And surprisingly, everyone at work was very open to my decision to no longer pursue Veterinary Medicine.
With that said I was supposed to start the process of applying to graduate schools early in the fall, but as time came around I kept pushing it back further and further and further, until I had no choice but to sloppily apply to some schools I felt I would fit in well with. I was pursuing phd programs in Ecology and Conservation and applied to only six programs.
Flash forward to about January 7th when all my applications were done and the last 60 dollars was spent sending in my applications. I wanted to at that point forget that I had applied and just wait until somehow magical acceptance letters showed up in my inbox, but with graduate programs that’s never the case and for almost a week after I was dealing with lost transcripts or advising problems and everything else that could stress someone out during an application processes. To this day still, not everything has been taking care of, but I am to the point where I am so tired and so depressed that I don’t even have the energy to put the effort forward anymore.
Basically what I am saying is that since about January 7th, I have found myself in a horrible depression that stemmed from what is called an existential crisis. I don’t have the energy to do school work, or to respond to emails, or to schedule meetings. It’s hard enough for me to roll out of bed in the mornings and get my hair and makeup done so I can look like I have it all together, when really on the inside I could just curl up in a hole and die.
It’s just senioritis. No its not. I feel like I’m staring down a deep dark hole of oblivion that is trying to eat me alive. I can’t see passed tomorrow and I have no idea what is going to happen to me after May and that scares the hell out of me.
What if I don’t get into grad school? What am I going to do with my life? Taking a gap year is no problem really, but where will I work? Where will I live? How am I going to make enough money to live off of? Will I even be remotely happy? Am I even going to want to reapply to graduate programs again, we knew this time around was hard enough for me. What if I can’t?
What if I do get into grad school? What city am I going to end up in? How am I going to move there? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? I’m going to be moving out of my house. I WILL BE MOVING OUT. And that isn't exactly something that is a small deal. For someone who has lived at home for all but 6 months of her life, leaving home to move out for good is a REALLY big deal.
I am so scared that it’s ridiculous. I have never had a time in my life where I haven’t been able to plan my life out. I have no idea what I am going to be doing in May, June, July, April, the rest of forever. Everything after graduation is a huge giant void of I don’t know. And to say that shouldn't be scary…I’m sorry but that would be wrong.
THIS IS TERRIFYING.
I know. I know. I shouldn't worry about the “what ifs”. I shouldn't worry about things I currently have no control of. But take someone like me, who is desperate for what little control of her life that she can manage to get a firm grasp of and take that away, and what do you leave her with?
So there’s my honest truth. I am afraid. I am depressed. This is oblivion.
In a few months we’ll know I guess. We’ll know where I’m going.
I can’t get over the overwhelmingly numbing feeling of fear to feel anything like curiosity or excitement, so I guess I will leave that up for you to feel.