Saturday, March 23, 2013

Forgetting How to Be Me

Wow, it’s been awhile.  5 months?  I guess I’ve just found myself unable to put thoughts into words and say anything even remotely worth saying.  Not really sure why I am attempting it right now.   

Since I’ve been in New Zealand (hard to believe I’m there already huh?) things have changed.  I have gained so much independence (yet at the same time I still have so little), I think I’ve figured out a lot more about the types of things I WANT to do with my biology major. FINALLY!  Although, I’ve said that before, huh? So we’ll see how long this one sticks.  Who wants to place their bets?  I give 3 months from when I get back from the states.

A lot more about ME has changed.  Turns out, despite how much I hate it, I’m quite the little Hufflepuff and when it comes to having roommates, I’m very much the non-confrontational one.  I would rather have peace than the group of us fighting.  Strange huh? Often enough I like to think of myself as the person who WILL call out bull or at least throw a fit at the situation (Slytherin very much so there). 

Actually, I have become quite the people pleaser.  And it’s weird.  Since getting here, I have cared more about what people think of me than I’ve cared of what I think of myself.  And it’s starting to destroy me.   I should NOT be fighting my depression here in New Zealand.  Yet here I am, fighting it like I was back at home when I thought I had it because I was suffocated.  Nope.  Here, I am so afraid that people will think negative things about me or just not like me.  I’m afraid of people judging me for the way I am.  Basically, since I’ve gotten here, I’ve forgotten to be myself. 

Not that I know who I am totally.  Then again, do any of us?  But, I know who I’m not.  I am NOT a people pleaser.  So should I really care what people think of me? Should I care that there are people out there who don’t like me?  Who don’t understand me?   It should come down to me.  It should be entirely about me.  I should be doing what I want to here.  I should be happy with who I am, not with who other people want me to be.

I am a nerd.  I love poetry.  I love cinema.  I’m not afraid to go to the cinema alone.  I would rather spend my evening with a book than a group of people drinking.  I love quotes because hell if I can ever say what I’m thinking but someone out there can ten hundred times better than I can.  I am that person who will call you out for being a douche bag if you are.  I’m not the type to let people step on me. So why am I?

I think I got too caught up in the hustle and bustle of being forced to be around so many people that I don’t know anymore that I thought I had to be friends with that I forgot that I can still choose my friends.  I thought I had to make everyone happy, but just because I live near a hundred people doesn’t mean I have to buddy buddy with them.  I can be acquaintances, or I could just be neighbors with others.  I’ll make some friends, but only the ones I can be me around.  Crazy, manic, nerdy me.  This adventure is about me (how many times can I say that before it finally sinks in? we have to be at at least 3 dozen by now!)

I’m here. I’m me.  Allons-y