So, this semester we're venturing into something completely new to me. My first C in a class. Actually, make that 2 C's. Whereas, the rest of my grades will more than likely be A's, 2 of my classes are going anything but well.
Yeah, I know what anyone in college is thinking right now, "A C is great. It's passing. I pull C's all the time. It's no big deal." Either that or you're sitting there thinking about screaming at me for being stupid and unappreciative of what I have in life.
The thing is is that all my life I've had the expectations to be smarter than the average. I mean like people EXPECT it out of me. I walk into my mom's work and people go "Still pulling off those straight A's?". No. No I'm not. I haven't since my Freshman year. In fact, I have only made Dean's List once since starting college.
When did I become THAT girl? The one that can't get her own act together so she can pass a class? When did I start getting D's and F's on exams?
It's not like I'm not trying. I study a lot. Besides the fact my sorority takes up a lot of my time and I work on weekends: I have no social life. I don't see my friends ever. I don't go out drinking at the bars. Yet those people who do are still doing better than I am in school.
I am failing everyone's expectations of me. I'm failing my own expectations. I am no longer able to deliver what I was able to in High School. School has become entirely too difficult to me. Biology has become some foreign language that I cannot fathom to understand.
I miss math. I miss the simplicity and direction of math. There's an answer in math and that is the answer. That's not the case with Biology. I can't seem to understand the topics that I should be able to. I can't make much of anything make sense anymore.
I feel like I've lost all my passion for everything this semester. Like this struggle has literally killed something inside of me. NaNoWriMo didn't excite me and I was just glad to get it over with (Yes, I did win). The things that I used to care so much about, I just don't anymore.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I've become or what I should do from here.
75 days until I leave for New Zealand. I hope to God that I can figure myself out there because I sure can't seem to do it here.