Monday, December 3, 2012

Being Unable to Deliver

So, this semester we're venturing into something completely new to me.  My first C in a class.  Actually, make that 2 C's.  Whereas, the rest of my grades will more than likely be A's, 2 of my classes are going anything but well.

Yeah, I know what anyone in college is thinking right now, "A C is great. It's passing. I pull C's all the time. It's no big deal." Either that or you're sitting there thinking about screaming at me for being stupid and unappreciative of what I have in life. 

The thing is is that all my life I've had the expectations to be smarter than the average.  I mean like people EXPECT it out of me.  I walk into my mom's work and people go "Still pulling off those straight A's?".  No. No I'm not. I haven't since my Freshman year.  In fact, I have only made Dean's List once since starting college.

When did I become THAT girl? The one that can't get her own act together so she can pass a class?  When did I start getting D's and F's on exams?

It's not like I'm not trying.  I study a lot.  Besides the fact my sorority takes up a lot of my time and I work on weekends: I have no social life.  I don't see my friends ever.  I don't go out drinking at the bars.  Yet those people who do are still doing better than I am in school.

I am failing everyone's expectations of me.  I'm failing my own expectations.  I am no longer able to deliver what I was able to in High School.  School has become entirely too difficult to me.  Biology has become some foreign language that I cannot fathom to understand. 

I miss math.  I miss the simplicity and direction of math.  There's an answer in math and that is the answer.  That's not the case with Biology.  I can't seem to understand the topics that I should be able to.  I can't make much of anything make sense anymore.

I feel like I've lost all my passion for everything this semester.  Like this struggle has literally killed something inside of me.  NaNoWriMo didn't excite me and I was just glad to get it over with (Yes, I did win).  The things that I used to care so much about, I just don't anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know who I've become or what I should do from here.

75 days until I leave for New Zealand.  I hope to God that I can figure myself out there because I sure can't seem to do it here.

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