Friday, June 29, 2012

Reconsidering Everything

I know I haven't written a blog in what seems like a lifetime, and I could make some sort of excuse for it, but I'm not going to. Point blank, I haven't felt like writing a blog post. That's that. 

But lately things in life have gotten to a strange point where I can't help but want to run away and hid from everything.  My job, my friends, my parents, my social life, everything.  I'm currently hidden away in the lab I work in with the door shut and locked hoping that no one will come in here and that I can finally have a few moments of peace.  But I know as soon as I open that door, I'll have to face the problems of my life all over again.  They're not just going to vanish. 

I'm reconsidering a lot of choices that I've made lately.  Am I doing the right thing? What's going to result of my choices? Those kind of things.  Maybe it's the fact that suddenly, out of no where, I'm growing up.  Which in itself if an odd sensation that I've never before had the pleasure of really knowing.  Maybe I'm realizing that my choices effect me even more than they did before, or maybe I'm just becoming more scared of life as I grow older.

Situation One includes a bird in which the lab I work in is rehabilitating.  I'll be completely honest, if I could do anything in the world with this biology degree I'm getting, it would be bird rehab, but I honestly don't want to go vet school anymore.  So of course, when my professor asked me if I wanted to rehab the bird, I jumped at the opportunity.  My parents, however, are not so happy.  I'm having second thoughts about bringing this bird into my house, where I have a cat and parents who don't want the bird.  Honestly, I don't even know how to take care of a bird.  I don't know what I'm going to have to fed it, what its going to be living in, if it's going to get out and try to fly around my brother's room (the room I am keeping it in since the brother moved out last month) or even my house.  There are just so many unanswered questions that I have that make me too nervous to even be sure I want to take care of this bird for a week and a half.  Plus my parents are unhappy with me wanting to do this, and I honestly can't blame them.  Neither of them are bird people, and my cat certainly isn't a fan of birds.  So what am I supposed to do besides sit here and question my choice?  This bird comes home with me in about two hours and then who knows what will happen.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do. 

The second situation seems like a no brainer, but when you break it down, it's the most complicated decision I have had to face yet. 

Two weeks ago, I was accepted into a program to study overseas in New Zealand for Spring of 2013 (Spring here, summer/fall there).  Of course, it's the most exciting information I've ever received and I wouldn't have applied if I didn't want to go, but now that the trip is actually within my reach, I'm questioning even going.

The list of Pros of going in long enough for it to seem like I should be going. It's basically a once in a life time opportunity.  I'm going to finally have the chance to live away from home, in a place completely new to me, and I'm going to get to travel around places of the world I normally wouldn't get to see.  Just do it, right?

I have reserves.  I have a lot going on here, back at home right now which make it tough enough for me to leave for more than a week at a time.  I have this research I'm doing, and I'm afraid if I leave I'm going to miss out on so much of it.  I'll miss presentations, I'll miss papers being written, I'll miss the chance to spend a summer out in the field again.  I haven't even told my research prof I am going yet; I am just way to nervous to tell her I'm going to be leaving for 5 months when we already have such a good flow of things going.

I have my reserves about the school I'll be going to as well.  For starters, I won't know if I get housing until before I leave to go.  Applying for housing is scary enough for someone who's never had to do it, but to not even know what kind of housing you're going to get is even worse.  I can't cook so if I have to live in an apartment style housing complex, I am doomed.  Also, I am not going to be even able to schedule my classes until I am in New Zealand. So I won't know if any of my classes will transfer.  I honestly would love to graduate on time.

I know it seems like a no brainer, but I'm really just afraid I'm going to miss so much here if I leave.  I'll miss opportunity I have here and things that could be very important to a career I may want.  But then again if I go I might discover myself in new and exciting ways. 

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Hiding seems like a great choice.  No one has to know where I am, or what I'm doing there. I can just be by myself to escape the world.  Maybe into a book, or a story I'm writing, or a movie I haven't seen yet.  That's all I want to do right now.  I just want to escape.

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