Monday, February 13, 2012

Goodbye Alice In Wonderland

I used to think I had this firm grasp of reality.  I could separate my own little fantasy world from the truth of what was around me.  I prided myself on that fact.  And because of that, I thought I had something special that the rest of the world was lacking. 

It seems to me that college has started to form me in ways that I’m not sure I really like, especially in the past year.  I feel like I’ve started to turn to fantasy to cope with the stress and the fact that, despite how much I don’t think I’m ready, I have to grow up.  The perfect way to explain it is that I’m Alice and, despite the fact that I don’t want to, I’m slowly slipping into wonderland. 

Yes I have this fear of growing up and getting a job and living on my own and being my own individual, but I am almost positive that it’s something that everyone at my age feels.  I for one think that 20 is far too young to be deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life because despite what we have been exposed to already, we are all still so naïve.  Many of us don’t know what’s out there in the world and what it has to offer.  Most of us only now about where we’re from and what’s around it and what we’ve learned from media of other places, and let’s be honest, even that’s a really rough picture painted of things that are mostly false. 

I don’t know how anyone else copes with this growing up thing, but for me, lately, I’ve been working really hard to just avoid it.  I ignore emails, I ignore phone calls, I disappear for periods of time.  Basically, it’s just what it sounds like.  I’m slipping into my own version of Wonderland, and to be honest, it’s not as great as Alice made it out to be.  I sleep more than I’m awake anymore, yet I am still ALWAYS tired.  I don’t care about school anymore, although I still am trying to do well, I just am not pushing myself as much as I have in the past.  It would be pretty simple to draw that I’m depressed, that much is obvious, although I have no reason to be such.  Things are going well here, and it’s actually been sunny in Erie, although that hardly makes me hate this place yet.

I think I am just ready for a change in scenery, and Wonderland has been my way to get it.  To watch one of your best friends be in Italy, while you are stuck being in the same place you’ve been for 20 years takes it toll eventually I guess.  I just keep reminding myself that one year from now I’ll be in her shoes and I’ll be having my own adventures.  I just have to keep my head up, work hard, and get there.

With that said, I am going to have to take a seriously hard look at my life and remind myself of the truths in which I once so firmly believed.

1.       There is a firm difference between dreaming and pretending.  I can’t keep pretending that I can make a career out of something that is never going to happen like if I move away to LA and do film or writing.  It just isn’t going to happen.  I am perfectly happy with biology.  In fact I love it.  It might be hard at some points, but it’s the only thing I really like next to writing, and there is so much I can do with it even if I don’t want to go to Vet school.  Yes, I can still write.  I would never give that up. But at some point I have to face the fact that it’s not the career for me.  I don’t have the means to become a writer full time, and that’s okay.  I will be happy doing what I am doing and I will still be able to use writing and reading as a means of release from hard days, so long as it doesn’t at any point become my entire world. 

2.       I need to start reorganizing myself so I don’t get over stressed out and fall into a world I don’t want to be in.  I need to seriously live by my planner, and even have two of them if I need to, so long as I keep them updated.  It seems like I don’t handle stress well.  I don’t know how to handle situations when I have a lot going on, and I sleep when I am too stressed which only makes me more stressed.

3.       I need to start fixing my sleep schedule.  I am a total nocturnal, and whereas that fits me well, it hurts me too.  I am always tired during the day and have trouble getting up in the morning and being alert during the day.  I need to be alert for classes and alert for life.  I can’t afford not to be.  I need to sleep earlier and longer. End of story.

4.       I don’t have to grow up now.  There’s no reason to.  But I do need to start considering what kind of an adult I want to be.  And that comes with experience and knowledge.  That means I can’t let little things get me down.  I have to learn how to brush off and get back on the trail.  I have to learn how to balance who I am with who I want to be and getting there.  I have to learn who I want to be through the trial and error process, but not let the error get to me. Hey, it happens. 

I have to crawl out of the rabbit hole now.  I can’t stay there forever.   It’s not doing me any good now.  I can’t sit around and let my soul die.  I have to be able to bounce back, and that is what I plan to start being able to do.  So Goodbye Alice In Wonderland. It’s been nice, but it’s time I move on.  This is my life.  Not yours. 

The journey is going. I’ve hit some rocky roads, and it looks like there are plenty more to come, but I have to remember to keep my mind open to them.  No blindfolds, no rabbit holes.  Just me.  Just the road ahead and the destination that has yet to be revealed. I’m ready.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if this helps or not, but I'm 20 and have been living out of home for three years now. To all of the people still living at home or at uni, it seems like a HUGE plunge, but I have to say that I didn't put too much stock in it.

    I've been known to worry and stress about things that I shouldn't, but in this case it was relatively simple. My only advice is don't overdo it, I've made the mistake of living in a house that was way out of my price range and so the budget was so tight I wanted to 'slip away to wonderland' myself (to quote your post :).

    Once you've taken the leap (or tiny step really) you'll realise that it wasn't that big of a change. Yeah you have to pay bills and stuff, but you're also earning more money, have more freedom and independence and can live where you want. It's really not that big of a deal (I know, easy for me to say) I hope this helps a bit with your troubles!

    Good luck!

    Julz xx