Thursday, October 27, 2011

Somewhere along the journey I’ve lost myself

This to say the least has been one of the worst and most confusing semesters of my entire life.  I have really been struggling lately with figuring out who I am and what I want to be, and along the line I really fear that I have only become what I never wanted to be.  I fear that I have lost myself along this journey.  That in this process of finding who I am, I’ve gone astray and gotten lost on some side road I never should have gone down in the first place.

I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I am different from the crowd.  I’m not a hipster by any means, but it could be argued that I am very close to it.  I don’t want to be like the popular crowd.  I take the road less traveled by.  Now it’s no surprise that along with college comes clubs and organizations and sports and sororities and fraternities.  Every girl that I had known from high school who joined a sorority changed for the worse.  I always promised myself I was never going to join a sorority.  There were better ways to meet people, cheaper ways, and with sororities came too many rules, and I am far from being one for rules.  Freshmen year my mom actually wanted me to join a sorority.  I told her no, and I was adamant about that choice. 

This year I think I became possessed by some strange virus that caused my brain to turn to mush and all the things I was so headstrong about to go flying out the window.  It started with just one requirement event.  One little meet and greet.  Which turned into a week of social events, which lead to “pledging” which led to a member in training class, which, in about two weeks, is going to lead to a full on membership.  Now, it’s not like anyone forced me to join.  No one held a knife to my throat and demanded that I join; I did it on my own.  Obviously I liked something about it.  It’s a service sorority, and I do miss my old days of Girl Scouts, but it really does make me wonder. 

Any of my friends that I have told about the fact that I joined a sorority tell me that its unlike me.  They never pictured me as a sorority girl.  And often at social events and get togethers, I see it myself.  I’m not the same as most of the girls, I like them, but the things we have in common are small and I act like the shy one who sits in the corner a lot.  Then again, that’s just me in any social setting really.  But one thing is for sure: it really isn’t like me.

Maybe it’s part of growing.  Maybe I am not who I always thought I am.  Maybe expanding my horizons is what I need to help me on this journey.  Some nights I am okay with the fact that I joined, other nights I question why.  I have fun with the girls.  We get along, most of us. (I’m not a people person after all).  I’m not sure what things will happen in the future with this sorority thing.  It’s a road I certainly never intended to take.

But that’s not the least of my struggles currently. 

I never intend on getting married, and for the longest time I never intended on dating.  I didn’t want to waste my time about it.  And back when I thought that, I was 100% happy with myself.  I felt independent and in control of my life.  I was me and I didn’t need anyone to tell me otherwise. 

I’ve become broken.  I’m not as strong as I once was.  I wish I was.  I find myself falling into crushes these days, two boys particularly that I go in-between, one of which who doesn’t know I like him (and I’d like to keep it that way) and the other that is too dumb to ask me out (which actually might be okay).  So what’s the problem right?  I obviously don’t have to worry about dating these days so just get over it and move on with life: be strong again.  It’s not that simple really. 

When the opportunity to go on a date comes around I can’t help but think to myself that I’m lonely and I have to say yes because if I don’t give someone a chance maybe I’ll miss out on something.  But really if it’s not something I want in the first place, what am I really going to miss out on?  I still don’t have a plan to get married.  I don’t have time to date.  I don’t have the energy to put into myself let alone someone else.  Yet I can’t seem to say no because something pulls on my heart every time. 

I don’t believe in love.  I don’t believe in a lot of things actually.  Mostly these days I don’t believe in myself.  I don’t believe that I have the strength to be me anymore.  I feel lost in my own world.  I feel like I don’t control myself anymore.  I feel like everything is out of my control and that I have to give into the world around me.  I don’t want that.  I want to stand tall and by myself.  I want to be that independent woman that I used to be.  Because without that person I have nothing to search for.

I have this semester, tried too many times to just lie down and give up because I have lost my own strength.  I’m certainly not who I used to be, and I would give anything to be able to go back to those old days. 

I feel like I need to give myself another promise like I did in my last entry oh so many months ago.  So here I go.   I promise myself that I will be strong.  I will not let any man, any women, or any object stand in the way of who I am and the journey to find what I want.  This journey thus far is about me, myself and I, and those who want to come along can come along as journeyers next to me, not as part of me.   I promise to be an independent woman with original ideas and world changing thoughts.  I will not be pulled down.  I promise I will not forget who my true friends are.  I promise I will not get lost again.  I will take the path less followed but I will not take it blindfolded.  This is my battle. 

No comments:

Post a Comment